Wednesday, December 12, 2012

For the Hate of Monkeys

I hate monkeys. I seriously do. Anyone who has spent time in the hot part of Asia understands that monkeys were created by an evil deity in order to annoy otherwise calm humans. They think it’s funny to jump on your metal roof at 5am while you are on holiday. No packed lunch or even stick of gum is safe from those thieving bastards. They might not even want to eat the stuff they take: I once had one steal a piece of chocolate, lick it, scoff at the quality, and throw it back at my face.

When Mists of Pandaria hit, the first thing I did was queue for a dungeon. Stormstout Brewery came up and I found myself face to face with hundreds of primates. I gleefully chain-lighteninged the crap out of the too-easy trash. “Take it! Take in the face you vile balls of nastyness!” We got to the first boss, Ook Ook, who promptly starting throwing foul language (as well as barrels) at us. None of us knew the fight, but we still pounded him while he threatened to penetrate orifices that only monkeys would dare mention. The fight was fun, and I admittedly laughed loudly while casting lava burst on him. I was a bit terrified of the ballet that followed, however.

The next day, I got into Jade Forest and realized that the Horde had buddied-up with the Hozen. Of course the Orcs chose to ally with the bad guys. I was glad to hear that the Alliance had more sense.  I didn’t mind at all helping the Jinyu get rid of that nuisance.

Soon after, I rolled a panda monk (we all did, right?) One of the first tasks was a gathering quest. I walked around collecting whatever it was on the ground I was meant to pick up, and I suddenly had flashbacks to my time in Indonesia when a tiny scratching biting monster was lodged onto my scalp, completely ignoring the tree branch I threatened it with. That baby animal took a bit of my soul that day, along with a clump of hair. All over the Wandering Isle there are head-jumping monkeys ready to terrorize lowbie players and make them never want to turn on a computer on again.

I’m glad the Alliance stayed away from the Hozen, because I would have had to faction change otherwise. I don’t care at all what Loremaster Cho says of the reasons they act the way they do, I want nothing to do with them. I predict that they will be the next Horde race, and that is the day I will start to PvP. So I warn you, Horde players, if you find yourself able to roll a monkey, beware of the angry Shammy… and stay the hell away from my dooker!


  1. Totally love this post, sadly I am Horde, but I stay away from those dookers as often as I can. Did you do the quests from Ken-Ken or did you blacklist him as well?

  2. Ken Ken was freakin' annoying, but hard to avoid. Also, there was that quest line at the end of Kras and 4 winds (involving the giant bug) that brought back his mask... so I guess it made sense to do it.

    Thanks for the love :)